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NEW ORLEANS, LA August 31, 2004 -- Since announcing intent to merge in May 2004, Apathy Inc. and Szazszorszep Enterprises's chief executive officers have been at the center of a maelstrom of speculation about the nature of the agreement. Was this arrangement a carefully-planned strategic coup by one of the companies, or was it truly an amalgamation of the two entities, brewed slowly over time to create a seamless union?
There can be no doubt that the gauntlet was laid early in their association. While there was an immediate admiration of corporate assets from both parties, Mr. Schneider and Ms. Bilgic acknowledged that future collaboration would hinge on addressing certain critical operations policies.
"Philosophically, Ms. Bilgic and I saw eye to eye. There was never any doubt about our potential to create an outstanding partnership, but there was a rather daunting list of negotiation points for our Operations departments to work through," Mr. Schneider commented.
While insiders hint that the companies have been in bed together for quite some time, Ms. Bilgic offers a more moderate response. "We knew we had something," she started slowly, "but it was the Olympia collaboration that proved to be the turning point to considering a more permanent partnership. To even consider future negotiations, Mr. Schneider needed proof of Szazszorszep Enterprises's portability, while I was deeply concerned about Apathy Inc.'s 10-year business plan. That project established solid evidence that our management styles could, in fact, conjoin successfully."
The struggle, however, did not end there. Despite the overwhelming success of the Olympia Collaboration, these execs played hardball on the issues. What ensued was a four-year chess match to address needs and position each as the entity to meet them most effectively. Both companies embraced a win-win negotiation style, which they credit for being the basis of their powerful partnership.
Mr. Schneider's list of requirements included an audit and restructuring of Szazszorszep Enterprises's fiscal policies, the addition of aquatic and transportation departments, a higher emphasis on strategy, and a mobility clause.
Ms. Bilgic drew up a list of requests to declassify the entire Apathy Inc. library, establish a corporate headquarters with published contact information, downgrade the corporate travel agenda, and create a more tangible mission statement.
"Mr. Schneider needed to understand that a company's marketability relies on its approachability and a campaign of consistent messaging. While intrigue is certainly sensational, it is not a viable platform on which to build a long-term business plan," Ms. Bilgic said.
Mr. Schneider responded by saying, "Ms. Bilgic did not recognize the impact her company's lack of fiscal responsibility would have on its employees and shareholders in the long run. They were headed toward serious trouble."
It is statements like these that beg the question: hostile takeover or merger of equals?
Apathy Inc. insider Angella Inzinga commented, "The only way I expected the company to see success was through a hostile takeover."
Larry & Peggy Schneider, parent company of Apathy Inc., laughed at our question. "Takeover? I'm surprised someone was able to track the company long enough to offer an effective business plan!"
Dondi Schleuter, former officemate of Ms. Bilgic stated, "We were all pretty concerned when she abandoned the Austin headquarters to take more high-risk projects across the nation with Apathy Inc. Why should he get to hog all her bandwidth?"
But despite speculation on both sides of ownership and control, the most compelling answer to this question is seen in the results thus far. Szazszorszep Enterprises has experienced overwhelming growth and success since implementing Mr. Schneider's proposals, resulting in record-breaking highs in productivity and employee satisfaction. Apathy Inc. has experienced a surge of stability and profitability under the carefully-managed marketing campaign overseen by Ms. Bilgic.
Additionally, their association has resulted in a few unexpected side-projects.
With Ms. Bilgic's gentle encouragement and support, Mr. Schneider has embarked on an extensive construction project responsible for providing an intergalactic fleet of spaceships for a galaxy far far away.
Ms. Bilgic has found that through embracing the Apathy Inc. motto "We don't care, so why should you?", her obsessive predisposition for work can be moderated with personal endeavors such as The Yoga Initiative. "There is a lot of zen in realizing not everything matters," Ms. Bilgic offers in defense of the controversial mantra.
In a rare moment, we were able to catch each exec alone and ask how they felt about the negotiation results.
Mr Schneider replied, "WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and proceeded to dance like a monkey.
Ms. Bilgic replied, "The results are very promising. I feel confident that in forming Szazszorszapathy, Mr. Schneider will continue to to innovate and support our success."
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The Scoop